The Lion King returns back to Chicago…what a great show. Will I ever forget my personal meltdown in 2006 when I saw this musical in celebration of my birthday and having a girls’ night out? ???
Perfect weather in June, six females, and life was good! I was happy and enjoying myself and didn’t think much about the few times I cried during the performance. My real surprise came after the show when the tears kept flowing and would not stop. I tried my best to compose myself, but after eight years, I was struck again with the reality of my father’s death.
I could not get a handle on it! For a few weeks before the show, I had been thinking about my Dad a lot. That weekend just sent me over the edge as I dealt with the relationship dynamics of Mufasa and Simba. On Friday, through teary eyes, I prayed and asked God for help because I thought I had dealt with my Dad’s death, and didn’t understand why these deep emotions had resurfaced.
On Sunday night, God sent my answer via a sistah-friend. She informed me that I was wrestling with grief. Grief-deep sorrow. I could now name my feelings, and that was liberating. The tears really started flowing than with that simple truth. But the good news for me was that it was all right for me to accept this season of grief. It took nothing away from God’s blessings in my life, or my faith in God’s promises. My friend simply gave me the space to grieve.
So at midnight on the Sunday following the show, I realized that I was grieving my father’s death in an entirely different way from when he first died. I was grieving various aspects of him not being with me. I was lamenting the fact that my future husband and children will never have a relationship with my father…that my future children will not have the relationships that I had with both sets of my grandparents and great-grandparents.
Their Circle of Life would be different than mine. I had assumed my children would have grandparents because longevity runs on both sides of my family tree. I was not grieving the fact that I was not married, but what I had envisioned for my life right out of college turned out to be very different from what I was actually living.
Even watching the dancers during The Lion King brought me back to my meeting with my Dad at age 18 when I explained that I did not want to go to college, but instead wanted to pursue my dance career and move to New York. The ensuing conversation lasted five minutes and off to Illinois State University (ISU) I went. But every time I see professional dancers, I think, “why did I not continue to pursue my dreams?” I could have continued my dance studies at ISU, but because of my childish temper, I was going to teach my parents a lesson, and I ended my love for dance and my dream. Before this new season in my life, my pride had not allowed me to admit my foolish ways nor grieve my childhood dream or my poor choice.
After college, I landed a job with a large insurance company and spent seventeen years in various professional and management positions. I was downsized in 2005, graduated with my MDiv in 2009, and my Ph.D. in 2017. Yes, I love Jesus, but I still sometimes struggle with His choices for my life…regarding my future and my purpose.
But I just found out that even with the joy/pain of moving on, it is still okay to grieve the loss of dreams and relationships. It is okay to have deep sorrow that I will not be able to see familiar faces I grew to love (and even those who were my most prominent antagonists). I am coming to accept the reality that what I had become familiar with is now a part of my past. My mentors who had guided me through will not be able to provide that same guidance in this season of my life. The honest truth is that I am not sure who precisely will guide me during this next phase of my life and that is a little unnerving…exciting…and scary.
So, starting this new book of life after spending 12 years in school, I realized I have to deal with this grief before I can start writing words in my new book. Only by admitting that I am grieving and have been grieving and can grieve was comforting.
Jesus dealt with grief and anticipated the agony of His disciples:
But I tell you the truth: It is for your good that I am going away. Unless I go away, the Counselor will not come to you; but if I go, I will send him to you. In a little while, you will see me no more, and after a short while, you will see me. I tell you the truth, you will weep and mourn while the world rejoices. You will grieve, but your grief will turn to joy. So with you: Now is your time of sorrow, but I will see you again, and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy. (John 16:7, 16, 20, 22).
Jesus helped the disciples understand that grieving was to be a part of their process of letting go to grasp their destiny. And so it is with us, to become the person created in God’s image and reflecting His glory, we are destined to become influential leaders, we have to grieve the losses of the past, so the past can release its hold on us. Only then can we press toward our destiny unencumbered by guilt, shame, and disappointment.
So What Can We Do During Our Grieving Seasons?
Pray! Pray! Pray! We must be honest with ourselves first, and then, be honest with God. If we had relationships that were not or are not what we thought they would be with our spouses, children, parents, siblings, or exes, then voice it to ourselves first and then express it to God in prayer…God is concerned with everything that concerns us.
Listen! Listen! Listen! When we talk to God, we must honestly believe that God will respond. We must give God space and time to do just that. Part of the grieving season is carving time out in our current schedules to allow time to sit and listen to God! During this season, we must take away some of the clutter of our plans and schedule time for listening to God. Simple things like eliminating watching TV for a week or turning off the radio while driving into work can help reduce the noise in your head and help you create peaceful quiet time to pursue God’s presence.
Wait! Wait! Wait! Be prepared to do nothing. You might be grieving a life map, death of a loved one, death of a relationship, death of a dream/desire, or the death of expectations for yourself or others. It’s during these times that we really must walk in truth and face the fact that we really are not in control! So it is okay to do nothing for a moment. Sometimes our need and desire to do something will lead us to do anything, and we often end up with nothing but more emptiness.
Finally, I need to formally apologize because I have not given others the space to grieve. I have compiled a list of what you should not do if a loved one or friend is in their grieving season. I have been guilty of each one…please forgive me!
• Don’t Try to Fix “It”-You can’t fix their grief. Grief is not a malady, but a means for our human spirits to heal after a loss.
• Don’t Compare and Complete Their Story-your grief is not their grief. You can empathize without taking over their story and recounting your own losses. Remember, this time it’s really not about you.
• Don’t Place Blame for Poor Choices-this is not a time for judgment. You can help the grieving person revisit past choices later. This is a time for being present with them as they make emotional and mental adjustments. Staying present with them will help them push through to a brighter future.
• Don’t Try to Have “The Answer”-they don’t need answers from you at this time. You are not God. You can send them to the Lord and hold them in prayer. They need your loving support, and sometimes the best thing you can give them is space and silence…to just sit with them and show you care.
As I make my transition to a new book in my life (words can not express), I am grateful for the circle of life that has surrounded me and continues to surround me. As a child of God, redeemed by the blood of Jesus, we are not isolated figures who succeed on our own. But each of us is part of a larger picture, a grander story that grows wider with each generation. My grieving helped me to accept my place in the circle of life and to thank God for the ways in which those who have supported me have shaped me and prepared me for this phase of the journey.